Why do we run from love and create problems in our relationships?
Love is interesting as it is what most of us all want, but then there is the part of us that runs from it. We have these movies where great relationships develop over a two hour period of time, but unfortunately or fortunately that isn’t reality. The truth is that relationships at times can be a battle of egos. When you get deep into a relationship, it will threaten your identity as you know it.
When you are with someone you truly love you are vulnerable. In a real relationship you may realize without warning that this other person has gotten deep into your heart and that can be a very scary thing. The deeper someone gets, the more they could potentially hurt you. The ego works to preserve and protect us. To preserve this ego, we go on to pick fights and attack the other person. When the ego senses that there is a person that can threaten to change the status quo, it will fight to preserve things the way that they are in order to survive.
Just as the great master Jesus taught about going through the eye of the needle, we must learn to drop all attachments including the one to ourselves in order to make it through to the other side. This is a process of alignment with Oneness. You are sloughing off what you thought you were and merging with Infinity.
Love can have the potential to transform both people into an existence that they couldn’t dream was possible for them. This is a great thing on paper, but you may not know all that this transformation entails until you go into it. It isn’t easy. Your identity as yourself as you know it has to change. That is a death threat to your ego. There is no more ‘I’, but a ‘We’. Your ego has too much identity wrapped up in the ‘I’ as you know it to be.
The key first is to recognize that you are getting into ego identity. You cannot break these patterns unless you are aware of them. The next step is to ask why you are dropping into this identity? What is really going on and what are you trying to protect yourself from?
Have you ever defended a position that you knew you were wrong about, but fought anyway just to be right? There is always more to the story than just a simple argument between couples.
Relationships are truly a window into seeing your relationship with God. You can only get so far on your own and that is why Yogi Bhajan taught that, “Marriage is a carriage that takes you to God.” Think about it: if you ego gets in the way of your relationship with your partner, how can it not get in the way with the relationship with God? All of the issues that come up in your relationship with your partner are the same issues you have with God. This is your opportunity to work them out in this lifetime.
Many times with the ego it can be simply our own issues with authority. There is something bigger than just me. Both partners can be guilty of this. Marriage and God both transcend our limited ego identity. So it is important to turn that resistance and ego identity into devotion.
Guru Dev taught that when you express devotion to anything, you elevate it. This is true of your partner. Rather than criticize your significant other or complain to your friends about your them; try to show acts of devotion towards them instead. What if we bowed our heads instead of point the finger? We have to find ways to humble ourselves before our partner and not come from a place of ego identity. That is why Goddess worship and honoring the Divine Feminine can be a helpful practices for men.
There is a great meditation you can practice to help transcend your ego identity and develop devotion. I wrote about it in the blog, Gurupranam: Breaking Issues with Authority and Developing Devotion. If you have a significant other you can try practicing it with them.
Meditation:
The meditation is done in Gurupranam. You sit on your heals and then bow forward with your forehead on the ground. The arms are outstretched in front of you in prayer. Then you recite the Japji in this posture for either 11, 31 or 62 minutes.
Here are some recommended recordings of the Japji to learn to recite along with the meditation:
Other great Valentine Days gifts for you and your significant other are:
1.) Sexuality and Spirituality Manual
There are approximately 15 Venus Kriyas in this manual to practice. Venus kriyas are yoga sets that are done with a partner. It can be a great way for you and your partner to re-calibrate.
2.) Marriage on the Spiritual Path
Excellent collection of Yogi Bhajan’s teachings on marriage. Great book about how to have a happy and successful marriage in this life.
3.) Activities Together
It is important to have your own time, but equally as important to have time dedicated to your significant other as well. You can do anything like chanting your favorite mantra together or go on a spiritual retreat together. Sat Nam Fest tickets make a great gift!
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Hi! I was just wondering… I don’t know the Japji by heart yet, any ideas on how to do this meditation?…
Sat Naam Monica, That is ok, just put on a recording and chant along as if you did know the words. It’s kind of like when you sing along to a song and don’t know the words. It will come with time. The important thing is that sound is coming out of your mouth and you are actively participating.
Sat Nam!
Nihal, I have been using your writings for many of my classes <3
They are so timely and full of brilliance!!!
love and light
Anandamayi
“All of the issues that come up in your relationship with your partner are the same issues you have with God.”
Please could you developp that point ?
If I feel attached or longing to a relationship it means that I’m attached to God? and if I feel not good enough (ego), vulnerable for that relationship? how to turn the weaknesses into devotion? OK with the meditation, but more …
many many thanks and blessings
Siri Prem Kaur Ji- I thank you for your question. This is tough to put in words without, but I will do my best. That sentence you asked about has more to do with the one that preceded it (about ego getting in the way of the relationship). Depends on the context, but attachment and longing may be a different subject as sometimes they can be unresolved feelings from childhood relationships or lack of relationships with the parents, etc.
Think about the craziest thing you ever did and didn’t care what others thought about it. There is no pride (ego) because you are not attached to how good or bad this makes you look. Where there is pride then only our own finite existence is our god. We glorify ourselves over all other beings when it comes to pride. We only do things that we perceive will make us look good. We keep score.
Love takes courage as we have push beyond the comforts of our own pride. We have to drop all the things we identify as ‘I’ and become ‘we’. “I’ is very comfortable as you can come home when you want, do what ever you want and be accountable only to yourself. In ‘we’, we compromise and take into account another’s unique feelings that we don’t control.
This process of ‘we’ is similar to the relationship with God as we have to drop the ‘I’ to merge with Infinity. We have problems with that because then we are no longer god of our own universe as there is something bigger than just ‘I’. When we have issues with simply being ‘We’ in the physical sense then of course there are issues with being ‘we’ with God.
Sat Nam Nihal
many thanks really and let me meditate on that so profound topic that I understand intellectually, and in the same time that I would like to understand more in my whole being, in order to adjust to what I am living today !!! Wahe Guru, with love …